Why?

Annika is currently in that infamous stage of asking "Why?" about a zillion times a day.

I keep reminding myself that this is an important phase in her cognitive development. It's going to improve her reasoning, vocabulary, and allover intelligence, right?

Most of the time. . . yes.

And, let's face it, sometimes she's just trying to annoy me.

It's human nature to ask, "Why?" We like resolution in our lives. Have you ever been watching a fabulous made-for-television movie and had the power go out? Or had a call drop just before a friend was about to tel you some interesting news?

Exasperating, huh?

As a believer, I've always grappled with the question "why?"

Why do small children get terminal cancer?

Why do some people who desperately want children never conceive?

Why do countless humans suffer from starvation, illness, poverty?

Why does a woman lose her husband on their honeymoon when he falls to his death in the Grand Canyon?

Yet, these kinds of things happen every moment of every day.

Yesterday our neighborhood was hit with tragedy, and we all found ourselves asking,

"Why?"

once again.

Why would a loving father/husband/friend/neighbor/church member choose to take his own life?

We'll never know any of the answers to the above questions. At least, not in this life.

But, rest assured, we are being Held.

Crash Course

In April 2006, I walked away from this.
It's a long story that involved hydroplaning across five lanes of traffic on an interstate and landing untouched in the emergency lane. Only to be hit moments later by a truck driving approximately 60 miles per hour while I was on the phone with my husband.

The major point, again, being I walked away.
ALIVE and WELL.

Last Sunday, Pastor Heather, preached on how God recycles. Though he does not cause the trash in our lives, he re-purposes them into something useful.
The moment above is a great example of this.

After flying in an uncontrollable car across five lanes of traffic and landing safely, I had a few moments to revel in the miracle that had just occurred. I thanked God and then picked up the phone to call my husband because I was shaking uncontrollably.

While on the phone, a second accident happened to me-the truck mentioned above slammed into my car, which held me. Geoff's whole car, a Ford Focus, collapsed around me. The windshields both exploded upon impact, but the airbag didn't deploy.
Though I was transferred to the hospital on a backboard, I came home hours later with some small cuts on my face, some back and neck pain, and a large bruise where my leg was pinned between my seat and the door.

Home.

I am certain that this accident was NOT caused by God. But I know without a doubt, that he re-purposed this moment and used it in my life.
I knew (and know) that I had more to give, more to love, more to write, more to try,
more to share,
more to do.

I've tried to remind myself of that every day since.

An old friend: A sermon revisited

I'm not sure that pain can become a friend, but faith and hope are often developed during painful times.
Faith and Hope? Well, they are definitely friends of mine. We got to know each other very well during my first bout with infertility. They are loyal, committed, loving, and sometimes even funny. We've been hanging out a lot together lately. It seems I really need them around these days.

This is a sermon that I preached (Yes! From an actual pulpit!) after establishing my kinship with Faith and Hope and rekindling my reliance on God and His Sovereignty.

*This post will officially be my longest, but go ahead and try to summarize 18 months of your life-it's tough! Please forgive the summary of Job's life, but he has an entire book in the Bible; read it if you need to know more.

Thank you notes to God
March 8, 2009
Martha Brown United Methodist Church

Scripture Reading:
1 Thessalonians 5 16-18 Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Have you ever given a gift to someone and seen their face fall because it wasn’t what they asked for? I imagine that God feels this pain all of the time.
I’ve never been too good with thank you notes. I’m sure that my mother raised me to write them, but I’ve just never been that good with the follow-through.
Recently, I heard from a couple, Jason and Anna, about the bowls I gave them for their wedding approximately ten years ago. I doubt that these bowls were on their wedding registry. I’m guessing that when they opened that gift, they were probably disappointed to find that it wasn’t the china pattern they asked for, or the bath towels embellished with their new monogram. Their response was probably, “Oh, wow, bowls.” I feel sure that they thanked me for the gift at the time, probably saying how it was a great gift and that they would use often. But now, that gift of bowls has become something they use on a weekly basis. They have been durable and functional gifts. Anna and Jason seem to truly appreciate those bowls.
So I started thinking about how much more sincere a thank-you note would be after you learned to appreciate the gift that was given to you.

Story of Job
Job was a very wealthy man. He had land, farm animals, a wife, children, and extended family.
Satan asks God if Job fears anything. God says that Job is a blameless and upright believer.
Satan challenges that it is because God had blessed him significantly. Satan tells God that if Job loses everything, he would probably curse God to His face. Satan takes EVERYTHING-his land, farm animals, wife, children, grandchildren, servants, all of it.
Job responds to this devastation by saying, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” Satan dares God again that if Job’s actual flesh is affected, then he will begin to curse God. Satan does this to Job. He covers his body with oozing painful sores. In fact, the Bible says that it was so painful that Job took broken clay pots and scraped at the sores. After many hours and days of discomfort, Job eventually curses the day he was born. Job begs God to alleviate his suffering and pain, but seemingly, God doesn’t answer. The Book of Job goes on to describe a discussion between Job and two other men regarding his tribulations. Eventually Job is healed, and all of his wealth is returned. He is blessed beyond belief with a new family and anything he could ever want. In the last chapter, after his many trials, Job offers up a thank-you note to God.
Job 42: 2-5
I know that you can do all things. No plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, “Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?” Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
You said, “Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me. My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.

I’m certainly not comparing myself to Job, but I have some experience in asking God for things and not receiving them. We all have wish lists that we offer up to God. We may not write it out and put it in the mailbox, but we definitely know what we want, right?
Over the course of my life, I’ve wanted a lot.
When I was little, I wanted rain boots and a coat to match.
I wanted to live in a neighborhood with lots of kids around instead of on a rural farm.
I wanted to go to the University of Georgia even though my dad wanted me at Jacksonville State.
I wanted a teaching job.
I wanted a husband.
The list goes on and on.
Some of these things I received from God, and some of them I didn’t.

Well, in August of 2005, I decided that I wanted a child. Geoff and I were looking forward to beginning a family right here in East Atlanta Village.
I lifted this request to heaven and asked God to grant it.
The following months brought disappointment. It seemed that God didn’t add this gift to my list. So I made a big point to be very straightforward with Him. I reminded Him that I always wanted to be a mother. I even threw in a few reminders to Him that I would certainly commit the baby to His care as soon as he or she arrived.
God must have said no, because the following months brought even more heartache.
After a year, the heartache turned to despair, frustration, and anger. While I was thrilled for those friends and acquaintances around me who were being blessed by babies, I was angry with God for not granting me the same.
It was during this time, that as Martha Brown United Methodist’s children’s council chairperson, I was asked to help prepare a nursery for the church. No one at Martha Brown knew of my ungranted gift. I agreed with a smile on my face, but when I got home, I fell to my knees in tears to ask God why He would ask this of me in the middle of this anguish that I was feeling. He told me to push forward, but I was not thankful. In fact, I was angry and distraught.
By December of 2006, I was not a fun person to live with. (Too bad my husband, Geoff, left for Puerto Rico this morning and can’t chime in with specific examples. I’m sure he has plenty!) All of my prayers were about having a child. I found it more and more difficult to be thankful to God for all of the gifts he HAD blessed me with over the last year and a few months. After a particularly big emotional explosion, I saw my reflection in a mirror, and I realized who I had become, and I wasn’t pleased. I fell to my knees once again, this time to beg for forgiveness for being oblivious to the many blessings around me.
God assured me that night of His forgiveness, and He threw it into the Sea of Forgotten sins. I began to focus on the joys in my life-my family, my friends, my job, my 5th grade coworkers, my church family, and my wonderfully humorous, loving, forgiving, husband. I also began training for a half-marathon in January of 2007 in order to give myself a goal on which to focus.
At that point, I changed from a someone who spewed a lot of rhetoric about trusting in God to a woman who was simply trusting God, as my Father who loved me and intended to bless me with the gifts from His list, not mine.
In the beginning of February, Martha Brown dedicated the Firefly Nursery that I had helped put together. I had tears in my eyes that morning, but I was happy and content with the life that God had given me.
Two days later, on February 13th, I found out that Geoff and I were expecting Baby Butterbean. The first thing I did? I fell to my knees in tears, once again, and thanked God first and foremost for the lessons he had taught me over the previous 18 months. Then, of course, I thanked Him for that precious tiny baby and I woke up my sleeping husband.
A few days later, we held our Ash Wednesday service here at Martha Brown. That night, David Collins, our pastor, passed out index cards, on which to write what was on our hearts.
This is the actual thank-you note I wrote to God on that night:
2-21-07
Thank you, Father, for the faith and hope that you have been building within me over the past eighteen months. I am so grateful for the journey that I have taken with you. Forgive me for doubting your plans for me. Please use me as a witness. Help me communicate with others. Give others the same hope and strength that You granted me with. Thank you for my loving and humorous husband and my supportive family. Thank You!

There are thank-you notes at the end of your pews. Please take one and pass them on. We will have a few moments to write a thank-you note to God if you are so moved.

Then, during the Hymn of Invitation, please feel free to bring your note to the altar if you’d like and someone will pray over them after the service.

That's what it's like to believe. . .

I am a creature of habit.

I always order the veggie and tofu wrap with fried okra at the EARL.

I always check my alarm clock before falling asleep.

I always leave the coffee grinds in the coffee maker when I leave for work.

(Much to Geoff's chagrin.)

And on Saturday mornings, I get up, make coffee, and eat breakfast with Annika while watching a Nick Jr., Sprout, or PBS kids' show.

Except this morning, we ate breakfast in the living room in a tent.

It was awesome.

Afterward, I went for a run. While huffing my way through four miles, I realized that I used to dread change. Now, I actually crave it.

Maybe it was the forced change that I've experienced over the last month. My job position was cut, my grandmother was diagnosed with advanced lymphoma, our house has had zero showings over the last thirty days, the pastor that we adore announced his departure, and our hopes to grow our family are dwindling.

All changes that I wasn't asking for, but God brought them on anyway.

These changes are just a few weeks old, but I've already come to total peace with all of them.

I'll enjoy twenty more days with my Butterbean next summer, now that I'm a 200 day employee. I'll treasure my Mimi even more than I did.( And she's a real fighter according to her latest CAT scan!) I love my backyard, so why not stay where we are? Pastor David needs a change, and Pastor Heather already intrigues me. I'm up to the challenge of raising a single child.

There's this fantastic song on my iPod shuffle by Francesca Battistelli called, "I'm Letting Go". One of the lyrics says, "It feels like I'm falling, and that's what it's like to believe."

I can honestly say that at this point of my life, I can do just that. . . believe.

So bring on the changes, God.

Experiencing faith

I've been thinking about hope and faith a lot over the last few weeks.

I'm not sure that you can fully experience either one without some "free fall" moments sprinkled in your life. I remember being in middle school and going to Six Flags with my friend, Stacy. We waited in a line for 30-45 minutes to ride one of the newer attractions- "Free Fall". We sat on the bench, buckled up, and held our breath as the contraption climbed higher and higher. Then the machine launched us into nothingness, and we fell suddenly and quickly. I was sick to my stomach and thrilled at the same time. I remember that although I was terrified during those few short seconds, I had faith that I would be okay when I reached the bottom of the ride.

Since then, I've had some of these moments in my real life. God has taken me and launched me into nothingness.

Thrilling and sickening all at once, every single time. I've always come out of it with a better sense of who I am and who He has called me to be.

A few weeks ago my grandmother, affectionately called Mimi, was diagnosed with advanced lymphoma. The very next day she began chemotherapy.

Mimi with Annika-Easter 2009

One day, she's a generally healthy woman who volunteers, attends church, walks daily, and enjoys life and the curves it throws her. The next day, she's a cancer patient.

She was shocked, as were we all.

But she's fighting, and she's having faith that she will conquer this.

And. . . she's rocking her wig.

Labor Day . . . KRAP style!

KRAP: Kulp, Rutland, Adamo People

(Mike, I think this will really catch on just in time for our t-shirts next year!)

This year marked our third family vacation to North Carolina.

(We missed you Jud, Pam, Julia, Sam, Bobby, Debbie, and Geoff!)

I always look forward to this trip: the cool air, the beautiful view, the funny stories, the gross-live-but-tasty-dead fish, the golf cart rides, the Christmas trees, the morning dew, the weak coffee, the Fowler hospitality, the curvy roads, the quiet mornings, watching college football, playing with the kids, the inside jokes, Mancala tournaments, the glory of God, and the yummy biscuits are just a few of the reasons.

Pictured below are a few more.

Annika with her first catch! A nice trout, huh?

Sweeeeet Caroline (duh, duh, duh) and Annika

Okay, so this is my FAVORITE part of the weekend-Family Worship.
It usually occurs on Sunday morning, but this year we promised to go to church with the Fowlers. We had it on Saturday night instead.

Mike and Jack (Clapton)

Does it get any better than listening to father and son play their guitars while praising HIM?

Barbie and Caroline

and mother and daughter beaming with pride?

I know that God looks forward to this part of our weekend every year, too. Our hearts belong to Him, and it is a wonderful feeling to know where your dearest loved ones will spend eternity.

We have decided to make ourselves fools for Him.

Unconcerned with dignity, He made us free. That's proof enough for us!

(Thanks for the inspiration, Nichole Nordeman!)