Now that's a bright idea!

Butterbean is quite the chatterbox when she's in the car (or her room, or the kitchen, or outside, or basically anywhere).

On the way home from school yesterday she said, "Mommy, turn off the heat." I told her that I didn't have the heat on, but the air conditioner was on to cool off the car. She replied with, "No, I mean turn off the heat outside." I explained to her that I couldn't turn it off because it was coming from the sun.

Her response? "Well, mom, we need a big ladder."

Since I recently posted about "Letting Go", I've decided to let go of using this unbearable heat as an excuse. I began training for the Denver Half-Marathon yesterday, and it was a rough beginnning. Those first three miles of the training schedule felt like the complete thirteen with the point one thrown in on top.

But, you know what? I did it anyway.

Here are some other things I'm letting go of this week because they are outside my hula hoop of control:

1. The fact that I still don't have an official offer from HR for the Instructional Coach job at my school, though my principal recommended me for it.

2. Speaking of hula hoops, I'm letting go of the fact that I can no longer hula hoop. Ms. Taura, Butterbean's super model summer camp teacher, was rocking one yesterday afternoon. My waist is officially too thick to do this anymore. So what?

3. My obsession with limiting my consumption of all things dairy. ( You might think that this is actually within my control, but it's not-I swear!) I heart cheese. I will eat more veggies and run more. Hopefully, this will balance out my cheese intake.

4. My guilt for not "friending" everyone who asks on Facebook and for not returning emails as quickly as I should.

As for you, you should let go of a few things this week.

And embrace the heat, you'll miss it next January!

Reflections on a three mile, 90 degree, 9:00 run

Okay, it's hot out here. I can do this.

Aim for five minutes . . . anyone can do five minutes.

If I can run five minutes, I can run ten minutes, right?

Where is the one mile mark? Oooh! A mile in 8:15, I'm awesome!

Wait, wrong intersection for the mile mark-ugh.

It's really hot out here. Why did I eat shrimp before a run??? Gross.

OK, I really feel sick. I can't get sick right here. That neighbor is pregnant, and if she happened to be watching out of the window, I might make her sick, too. Nobody wants that guilt.

Okay, if I can just make it to the dump truck parked on Braeburn, I can walk up the rest of the hill.

Made it. Yes! Oh-there's a guy watering his plants. I can't stop and walk now, my pride would suffer.

Do you think if I asked him, he would spray me with his water hose?

Umm, that would probably be weird to ask.

Oh, well.

Now that I'm out of his sight, I'm walking. I mean this part of Braeburn isn't even paved, so it doesn't really count.

Okay, your one minute of walking is over. YOU MUST RUN, Ashley.

Down Flat Shoals, this actually feels good. You can do this.

Another hill? Why does this street have a hill no matter which direction you run it?

Make it to the next mailbox. Now the next one.

It's all downhill from here, Ash.

If you can slowly huff up the Van Vleck hill, surely you can run down it . . . at a fast pace.

After all, you told all your FB friends that you were aiming for a PR at this week's 5k, right?

What is my current PR? Better look that up. It never mattered before.

PUSH through the last minute.

I made it!

I love running.

That's what it's like to believe. . .

I am a creature of habit.

I always order the veggie and tofu wrap with fried okra at the EARL.

I always check my alarm clock before falling asleep.

I always leave the coffee grinds in the coffee maker when I leave for work.

(Much to Geoff's chagrin.)

And on Saturday mornings, I get up, make coffee, and eat breakfast with Annika while watching a Nick Jr., Sprout, or PBS kids' show.

Except this morning, we ate breakfast in the living room in a tent.

It was awesome.

Afterward, I went for a run. While huffing my way through four miles, I realized that I used to dread change. Now, I actually crave it.

Maybe it was the forced change that I've experienced over the last month. My job position was cut, my grandmother was diagnosed with advanced lymphoma, our house has had zero showings over the last thirty days, the pastor that we adore announced his departure, and our hopes to grow our family are dwindling.

All changes that I wasn't asking for, but God brought them on anyway.

These changes are just a few weeks old, but I've already come to total peace with all of them.

I'll enjoy twenty more days with my Butterbean next summer, now that I'm a 200 day employee. I'll treasure my Mimi even more than I did.( And she's a real fighter according to her latest CAT scan!) I love my backyard, so why not stay where we are? Pastor David needs a change, and Pastor Heather already intrigues me. I'm up to the challenge of raising a single child.

There's this fantastic song on my iPod shuffle by Francesca Battistelli called, "I'm Letting Go". One of the lyrics says, "It feels like I'm falling, and that's what it's like to believe."

I can honestly say that at this point of my life, I can do just that. . . believe.

So bring on the changes, God.

Experiencing faith

I've been thinking about hope and faith a lot over the last few weeks.

I'm not sure that you can fully experience either one without some "free fall" moments sprinkled in your life. I remember being in middle school and going to Six Flags with my friend, Stacy. We waited in a line for 30-45 minutes to ride one of the newer attractions- "Free Fall". We sat on the bench, buckled up, and held our breath as the contraption climbed higher and higher. Then the machine launched us into nothingness, and we fell suddenly and quickly. I was sick to my stomach and thrilled at the same time. I remember that although I was terrified during those few short seconds, I had faith that I would be okay when I reached the bottom of the ride.

Since then, I've had some of these moments in my real life. God has taken me and launched me into nothingness.

Thrilling and sickening all at once, every single time. I've always come out of it with a better sense of who I am and who He has called me to be.

A few weeks ago my grandmother, affectionately called Mimi, was diagnosed with advanced lymphoma. The very next day she began chemotherapy.

Mimi with Annika-Easter 2009

One day, she's a generally healthy woman who volunteers, attends church, walks daily, and enjoys life and the curves it throws her. The next day, she's a cancer patient.

She was shocked, as were we all.

But she's fighting, and she's having faith that she will conquer this.

And. . . she's rocking her wig.

Sprung!

This past weekend was the first nice one, and we took full advantage! My gardeners and I bought tulips, irises, dahlias, and marigolds to plant in our favorite space. With our house on the market, we decided not to plant any long term items this year. I'm already fighting the urge to dig up all of my favorites if we get a contract on the house!

Do you still have yours?

Loveys.

You've seen the fear in the eyes of a mom who just realized that Lovey is at home when she desperately needs it for her screaming child in the middle of aisle four, right?

Annika adores her Lovey. It is soft, pink, fluffy, and very well-loved.

(Thanks to my wonderful gift-giving friend Anna for the gift of Lovey when Butterbean arrived!)

In fact, when I realized that Annika loved her Lovey as much as I did, I ordered two more so that I would never experience the above-mentioned fear.

[ By the way the three Lovey trick fails once your all knowledgeable toddler realizes that you have two more (TWO MORE, MOMMY?!?) in her sock drawer.]

Anyway, recently Annika found my Lovey, otherwise known as a very loved Raggedy Ann doll. My mom received Raggedy Ann as a gift the Christmas before I was born. She planned my nursery, clothing, and dishes (still have these too!) around the theme. Raggedy Ann slept with me throughout my childhood, then to college, and she even moved with me to my first apartment. I've never been without her for long.

She's wounded and falling apart, but aren't we all?

I completely broke into tears when Annika saw Raggedy Ann on her shelf and asked, "Who's that, Mommy?" She immediately wanted to hold her, mend her many boo-boos, and has slept with her every night since.



I know that Raggedy Ann will fall apart before Annika passes her to her own children, but a mom can hope, right?

Who can I turn to? 867-5309

I suppose that every working mother has a fear of missing out on something in her child's life due to her career. I know that I do. It was much worse in the beginning . . . believe it or not it gets better once your child can actually communicate what happened during her day.

i.e. Me: Annika how was your day at school?

Butterbean: Atticus screamed at me, and I pushed Atticus down because I had the Weeble Wobbles first! We went to library too, Mommy.

Nice summarizing skills, huh?

These days, the biggest reason that I feel less guilt about leaving my precious little girl every Monday through Friday is Jenni.

Jenni is the owner of Urban Explorers Preschool, and we are fortunate that she is also Annika's teacher. I first met Jenni at a community parent event. She was there advertising her soon-to-be-opened daycare in a bordering neighborhood. She was passionate, fun, and excited about her new endeavor. It just so happened that I had just received a new job and had three weeks to find a new daycare. We reserved the second to last spot the next week!

Why do I adore Jenni? She does this every single day:

(This is one of her 2008 journal entries.)

And she documented when my toddler made a pattern on her own a couple of weeks ago...

. . . and last week she saved this for me. Annika's first drawing of a person is in the top right corner.

Do I often wish I could spend every day playing, creating, imagining, drawing, singing, reading, and dancing with my sweet little Butterbean?

Of course!

But in the meantime, I'm sure glad that we have Jenni.